Hogwarts: The Musical
by fredthebaker
Summary: An alternate 6th year, ignoring everything evil and everything relating to the past. What happens when Dumbledore lets a bunch of hyperactive tonedeaf teens write and perform their own musical? There's no telling...
1. The Auditions

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter, any of it's characters, names or places, as they all belong to the amazing mastermind known as JKRowling.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Love Shack, or the B52s either.

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The sound of a hundred or more untrained voices warming up filled the Great Hall. Some sang scales; some repeated tongue twisters; some just sang loud, out-of-tune songs at full belt. Students stood in small clusters, talking nervously and swapping singing tips. But one group stood out from the crowd most: a fairly small group of boys crowded around one individual with fair hair and a wide grin. 

"…And Father tried to buy me a place in this musical, but McGonagall wouldn't let him…" said the fair-haired boy, as he was approached by a girl in Slytherin robes.

"Oh, Draco, you're so talented, you don't need your father to buy you a place!"

"I know, but Father wanted to make sure…did you know there's a talent spotter coming all the way from Durmstrang just to see whoever gets the lead role. I've heard they value Performing Arts very highly over there…"

Another group of pupils sniggered as they eavesdropped on the Slytherins' conversation.

"Someone's obviously looking for a good part!" commented a bushy-haired 6th year girl.

"No, he probably just wants to get moved to Durmstrang. But imagine them doing 'Performing Arts' in their big furry coats!" replied her friend, a boy with jet-black hair and a strangely shaped scar on his forehead.

"Yeah, especially dance!" laughed his best friend, a tall gangly boy with freckles and red hair, and the three of them collapsed into fits of laughter.

There was a loud 'BANG' as Prof. McGonagall set off red sparks to gather everybody's attention.

"Right, students, the auditions for our Hogwarts Musical will begin shortly. Now, I will run through a few rules for the auditions:

All students who audition must be fully committed to the musical and come to every rehearsal.

No student is to apply under a false identity.

Auditionees must sing a song of their own composition, although they may use the melody or rhythm of a well-known song (magical or muggle) if the original name and artist of the song is stated at the start of the audition.

No student under the age of 14 may enter the auditions.

Potions, charms, hexes and spells used to enhance vocal talent are banned. Any student caught using one will have one week's detention and be banned from this and any future school show or play.

That is all for now. If you have any questions do not hesitate to ask me or another member of staff involved. Meanwhile, please form an orderly line at the door to the antechamber before your audition."

Everyone in the Great Hall either rushed to the door that led to the audition room or left, on account of being to young. Harry and Ron, the laughing 6th years, were surprised to see their bushy-headed friend making for the exit.

"Hermione!" Ron yelled over the cacophony of noises. "Hermione! Where're you going? Hermione!" She turned round and tried to walk back towards them, but to no avail. The crowd pushing their way out the door was too strong, and Hermione was swept out the door with the rest of them, unable to explain her sudden exit.

"Oh well, we can catch up with her in the Common Room later," said Harry. "Come on, we don't want to be last to audition! They'll be so bored of hearing everyone's songs; they'll have gone to sleep!"

"Good job! I'm not so sure about all this singing now," commented Ron.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine. Hey, I know, why don't we audition together?"

"Erm…we can always ask, I suppose," He was silent for a while as he thought. "But Harry…what will we sing?"

"Can you remember the song I was singing last night?"

"I think so…okay we'll do that one. But what about actions or something? I've heard some Hufflepuff girls are doing a whole song-and-dance routine."

"Just follow my lead, and don't panic if you go wrong. Look, there's only a few people left to go before us!"

"Eek. Okay, hey, who do you think is on the panel of judges?"

"Probably Dumbledore, and each Head of House. Oh no. That means Snape!"

They stood in silence for a few minutes, each worried about separate things; Ron worried about the actions; Harry worried about making a fool of himself in front of Snape.

Harry opened his mouth to speak when suddenly…

_Ring-a-ling-ling!_

…The bell rang for them to enter. Harry had been right – Dumbledore and the House Heads were sitting at a long table, each with a clipboard.

"Names?" asked Prof. Flitwick.

"It's Potter and Weasley," sneered Snape. "Here to do a double act, eh? This should be very amusing"

"Be quiet, Severus, and let them sing. Now, boys, what is the name of your song?" asked Prof. Sprout.

"We will be singing a song called _Hogwarts_, but we are using the tune from a Muggle song called_ Love Shack, _by the _B52s._ Ready Ron? One…Two…One Two Three HIT IT!

_Hogwarts, baby,_

_Hogwarts!_

_Hogwarts, baby,_

_Hogwarts!_

_Hogwarts, is a little castle where,_

_People teach us magi-iick!_

_Hogwarts, ye-ah yeah!_

_Hogwarts baby!"_

During the song, Harry and Ron had done many step-turn-step-CLAPs, hand jives and other clichéd dance moves. At some point towards the end, Prof. Flitwick joined in, but stopped abruptly when his colleagues turned to stare at him. Harry was slightly miffed at this; they missed his big ending: a large jump into the air, before landing on his knees and doing jazz hands. Ron, who was always slightly behind with the dance moves, jumped up but fell over on the way back down. Snape snorted and put a big zero on his mark sheet, and that infuriated Ron so much, he jumped right up with the cheesiest smile and did jazz hands all the way out the door.

"God, I hate that man!" He punched the wall on the way back to the corridor. "So, what now?"

"Now – we wait," sighed Harry.

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You like? Of course you like! You review? Of course you review! 


	2. Cast List Goes Up

"Harry! Harry! It's up! The list, it's up on the board! Come see, quick!" Ron shouted from the door to the boys' dorm. Harry groaned.

"It's too early, Ron. Maybe later, I'm going back to sleep," mumbled Harry as he rolled over in his bed.

"No! Come and see _now, _Harry!" Ron whined like a child. He ran into the room and grabbed Harry by the back of his shirt. Harry tried to stay in the warmth of his bed by clinging on desperately to the posts on his four-poster bed, but Ron was too strong. He soon had Harry out of bed, and was trying to hurry him into getting dressed faster.

Finally, 5 minutes later, Harry and Ron arrived in the Common Room to find there was no point in rushing, as they couldn't get anywhere near the board because of the large crowd surrounding it.

"Never mind, eh, Ron? We'll come back later!" Harry headed back towards the dorm room, but was caught by Hermione as she entered from the Girls' Rooms.

"Ron, Harry, I never got a chance to talk to you after the auditions yesterday. How did it go?"

"It was alright, but you never told us you weren't going to audition!"

"Yeah, we only did it 'cos you said you would!"

"I never did anything of the sort!"

"You did so!"

"I most certainly did not!"

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

"Okay, children, let's not fight over little things, shall we? We'll talk it over like adults, okay?" Harry said diplomatically. Hermione and Ron folded their arms and scowled at each other. "Hermione, why didn't you audition? Ron, don't say anything," Harry warned as Ron opened his mouth to argue.

"I didn't audition because I'm not allowed. No, listen! I'm not allowed to audition because I'm helping write it! Boy, are you in for some surprises!" She chuckled, seeming to remember something. "Hey, look, the list's free." They went over to the notice board, and inspected the notice posted there.

"Yes!" screamed one of them.

"No!" yelled the other.

The list was as follows:

Staff Roles

_**Director: **Professor Dumbledore._

_**Producer: **Professor McGonagall._

_**Vocal Coach:** Professor Trelawny._

_**Choreographer: **Madame Hooch._

_**Acting Director:** Professor Flitwick._

_**Stage Manager: **Professor Snape._

_**Costume Director: **Professor Sprout._

Student Roles

_**Writers:** Mandy Brocklehurst, Hermione Granger, Ernie Macmillan and Pansy Parkinson._

_**Founders:** Susan Bones, Draco Malfoy, Padma Patil and Harry Potter._

_**The Sorting Hat: **The Sorting Hat._

_**The Sorting Hat (Singing Voice):** Dean Thomas._

_**Students:** Sara Anderson, Frankie Burrow, Josh Gawston, Dan Jones, Fearne Mills, Jake Parsons, Sam Roberts, Kim Smith, Romilda Vane, Joe Wood, Vee Walters and Dylan Yates._

_**Sceneshifters:** Vincent Crabbe, Jen DeWilfson, Gregory Goyle, Kit Makkles and Ron Weasley._

_**Musicians:** Neville Longbottom (SAXOPHONE), Hannah Abbott (PIANO), Terry Boot (GUITAR) and Millicent Bullstrode (DRUMS)._


	3. A Neurotic Tomcat

Sorry about the severe change in writing style - I haven't written in about two years! Read and review please :)

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Later that evening, Harry and Ron were sitting in their dormitory chatting about the day's events with Dean, Neville and Seamus. After lunch, everyone involved in the musical had been to a meeting to discuss rehearsal times, which were decided to be after lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and on Saturday afternoons.

Harry, Draco, Padma and Susan, who played the four founders, had been kept behind after the meeting by Professor McGonagall, who wanted to stress on them the importance of their roles. "You four will be leading the whole cast in this performance. You should therefore set a good example to the others and come to every rehearsal, be on your best behaviour and be willing to give up your spare time to help out anyone else involved in the show. If you fail to meet these requirements, I'm afraid I'll have to cast someone else in your role." As she finished speaking, Harry had noticed that the corridor outside was strangely deserted for lunchtime: quickly he'd realised that he was late for Potions class with Professor Snape, who was known throughout the school (except in Slytherin House) to be the cruellest teacher in all of Hogwarts.

Mumbling an apology to Professor McGonagall, he'd sped off in the direction of the dungeon where his Potions class was held. Upon arriving there, he'd seen that Draco was already seated in the classroom and working on his potion to cure magical hiccups. "Strange," Harry had thought. "I could've sworn I left Prof. McGonagall before he did…" Dismissing the thought, he'd prepared his excuses and slowly opened the creaking door.

"Ah, Mr Potter has finally decided to join us. Shame he missed the instructions, isn't it…" Prof. Snape had sneered. "Sit down and brew your potion. Stay behind after class and detention with me on Tuesday. Be prepared to sort Bulgarian maggots from Romanian maggots!"

Harry had dismally started work and even decided not to argue about his detention, even though it could jeopardise his position as Godric Gryffindor in the musical. Planning on being on his best behaviour to persuade Snape to let him go before dinner, he didn't speak a word to Ron or Hermione during the whole lesson, but he'd still missed out on having dinner with his friends.

"That was so harsh of him, Harry!" complained Neville, in the dormitory. "He could've at least let you take a snack!"

"I suppose he'd rather let me starve," Harry commented. Much as he complained, however, he wasn't really upset about his detention: as soon he'd been let out of Potions, he'd been straight to see Prof. McGonagall, who promised to talk to Snape and change his detention to another time.

"On the other hand," thought Harry, "That means Snape will be in an even worse mood when the time comes…"

His train of thought ground to a halt when Ron yelped and dived under the covers of his four-poster bed; Hermione had entered the boys' dorm and Ron was paranoid about being seen in his pyjamas.

"Hey guys. Do any of you know whether Draco is a tenor or baritone singer? I need to know how low down he can sing for his solo song," explained Hermione. Each of the boys said their own sarcastic response, but Seamus' was the loudest: "Hermione, Draco singing sounds like a cat. No, cats sound better than Draco! A neurotic tomcat that's in a yowling contest is more appropriate."

"No, I think he sounds like a dog in a blender!" laughed Dean. Soon all the boys were laughing and doing their own impressions of Draco; Hermione slipped out unnoticed and went to find someone else to ask.

Eventually, when the laughter died down, Neville asked, "So how come you were so upset about being a sceneshifter anyway, Ron? I thought you didn't want to be in it?"

"Yeah, well… it's the thought of spending all the rehearsal time hanging around with Crabbe and Goyle that gets to me. I wouldn't have minded a chorus role, or a one-line part…"

"Just be glad you're involved. I auditioned for an acting part and they said I looked wooden!" Seamus remarked who'd been sour the whole time they'd been talking about the musical.

"Cheer up, Seamus. It's just a stupid musical. No one will remember it after next month!"

"Next month!?" squealed Ron. "I…but…it's…"

"Yeah, it's really soon, isn't it? The rehearsals are going to be really intensive!" said Neville excitedly. He'd dug out his old saxophone before the auditions and the others had discovered he was a keen musician.

"Anyway, Ron, why are you worried? You don't have anything to learn, just when to change the scenery!"

"It's tougher than you think," Ron mumbled, disgruntled. "Anyway, my parents are intent on coming to see me be the best scene-shifter ever and I have to have a good report card before then or they'll yell at me in front of everyone!"

"Don't worry, you're doing okay in everything, aren't you?" asked Harry, not keen to see his best friend embarrassed in front of everyone at school.

"Nah, Potions isn't too great at the moment. But when is it ever? I guess if I only fail one subject they won't be too harsh…"

"Yeah, don't worry Ron. It'll be okay…" As Dean said this, there came a shriek from downstairs. Forgetting that they were in their pyjamas, the five boys ran downstairs to see what the commotion was.

Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil, two girls keen on Divination, were sitting at a table in the common room with a crystal ball focussed on somewhere in the dungeons. As they got closer, Harry recognised it as the Slytherin Common Room, where he had been once in his second year. A horrible wailing noise was coming from the ball – a moment later they realised it was none other than Draco Malfoy, singing to his fellow Slytherins and generally making a fool of himself.

"Think you can live up to Draco's amazing singing voice, Harry?" asked someone in the crowd around the table.

"I sure hope so! I mean…" Harry stopped suddenly as Draco hit a top note very badly, and the crystal ball shattered, sending glass flying everywhere.

"Even Hedwig sings better than that!" he exclaimed.

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Hooray! My first chapter in two years is complete. Please review so the next one can be even better!


	4. Hogwarts dreams

After the excitement of hearing Draco singing, Harry dozed fitfully and had numerous bizarre dreams Hogwarts dreamed…

After the excitement of hearing Draco singing, Harry dozed fitfully and had numerous bizarre dreams. In one, he was one stage, performing the musical but unable to speak English. Every time he said a line, it came out in perfect German, French or even Gibberish, and the audience soon booed him off the stage in the Great Hall.

In the second dream, he was singing a duet with Malfoy, whose resonant tenor voice made the audience sigh with delight. When Harry came to sing, however, he was once again forced to leave the stage after singing like a frog in a microwave.

[In his third dream, a camel wearing a bowler hat became Minister for Magic and passed a law to say that everyone must walk on their hands singing nursery rhymes.]

Further along the dormitory, Neville dreamed of wowing the school with his amazing playing, until Snape appeared dressed as his Grandma announcing it was time for his bedtime.

Ron had a frightful nightmare about his parents seeing his atrocious report card and taking him away from Hogwarts to be home-schooled, and never seeing Harry or Hermione ever again.

[He also dreamed of being locked in a room with Crabbe and Goyle for the rest of his life, performing simple charms and puppet shows about puppies to keep them amused.]

In the girls' dormitory, Hermione was dreaming of becoming an award-winning author, but suddenly her dream took a turn for the worse and she found herself working as an apprentice to Rita Skeeter after failing all her N.E..

Hogwarts dreamed…

Down in the dungeons, Draco Malfoy dreamed of being moved to Durmstrang, where everyone bowed down to him and his superior singing ability, and Voldemort himself even praised his singing.

[Further along the dungeons, Crabbe and Goyle dreamed of watching puppet shows about puppies.]

_Hogwarts dreamed…_

In her office behind the Transfiguration room, Prof. McGonagall dreamed of crowds of ecstatic parents telling her how well she had done, and no matter how modest she stayed, everyone thanked her for all her hard work in the musical.

Above the spiral staircase leading to his office, Prof. Dumbledore dreamed of a bunch of hyperactive tone-deaf teens being transformed (magically, one might say) into mature, sensible students, whose combined vocal talent would rival that of Celestina Warbeck or the Weird Sisters.

_Hogwarts dreamed…_


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for the incredibly unoriginal chapter name.

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After having so many weird dreams the night before, Harry woke late on Saturday morning. When he looked around the dorm room sleepily, he saw that the other boys appeared to have slept badly too: Ron looked like he'd had a fight with his pillow, which was lying underneath the bed; Neville was sleep-whimpering about not wanting to go to bed yet, Grandma, and Seamus was lying underneath his bed, holding his wand in his mouth. Dean was nowhere to be seen.

Harry padded slowly to the door, trying not to wake his friends, who he knew could be very cranky in the morning. Opening the door carefully to prevent it from creaking, he spied Hermione making her way down the spiral staircase to the common room.

Shutting the door behind him, he joined her on a squashy sofa by the fire.

"What's up?" He asked when he noticed how tired and dishevelled she looked. "Not sleep well?"

"No, not at all," she replied. "I stayed up late trying to write this song for the show, and…"

Harry looked down at the crumpled papers in her hand. Her neat writing was all over the sheets but he couldn't see a legible sentence anywhere.

"I must've been really tired," she explained. "When I wrote it, it made so much sense, but now… Why did I think it would be a good idea to start with Susan Bones singing a jazz number about owls?" Screwing the paper into a ball, she put her head in her hands and sighed.

"Don't worry, Hermione…I'm sure there's something worth keeping in all of this. We just need to search through it all…" She looked at him in surprise; he wasn't usually this determined first thing in the morning.

When Ron came downstairs half an hour later, he found his two best friends surrounded by sheets of creased paper covered in writing. He made out words such as _Hogwarts, scene change, band number_ etc.

"Here! I found some decent lyrics!" exclaimed Harry. He handed a small scrap of paper to Hermione.

"_Godric Gryffindor –" _she sang in her lustrous deep voice.

"_The bravest wizard I ever saw,_

_Was head of house at Hogwarts School for witchcraft and wizardry,_

_Godric Gryffindor –_

_He had not one single flaw,_

_And is an inspiration to you and me," _she finished. "The end needs a little work, but…"

"It's brilliant, Hermione!" Ron whispered hoarsely. They both blushed, gazing into one another's eyes, until Harry broke the awkward silence by saying, "So…who wants breakfast?"

After a big breakfast provided by Dobby's team of house elves, the three headed back to Gryffindor common room feeling much more awake and optimistic about the idea of their first rehearsal that afternoon. However, when they reached Gryffindor tower, the Fat Lady refused to let them in.

"You're the kids in the musical, right? I thought I heard singing earlier. If you'll sing for me now, I'll let you in without a password," proclaimed the Fat Lady.

"No, it's okay," gabbled Hermione. "We know the password, it's _Geraniums_, isn't it?"

"Not any more!" answered the portrait gleefully. "Now you'll have to sing me a song!"

"Hey, that's not fai…" Ron started to argue, seeing the anxious look on Hermione's face.

"What's going on?" demanded some boisterous fourth-years. "We need to get into the common room!"

"The Fat Lady wants them to sing instead of a password!"

"What?! Let us in!" The fourth-years started to push forwards until Hermione gave in.

"Okay," she said softly, and began to sing her verse again. The crowd, though much larger than before, was instantly quiet and attentive. As she finished the verse, everyone around erupted into applause and cheering, and the Fat Lady portrait reluctantly swung back to let them in.

"I expect a full song next time, young lady!" she called after Hermione.

In the common room, Hermione was feeling very flustered by the numerous requests to hear her sing. "Ron, Harry, help me out of here…" she whispered, keen to get away from her crowd of fans. Both boys linked their arm through hers, and pushed their way through the crowd of Gryffindors pestering Hermione.

After much deliberation, they decided to go to the Room of Requirement, where they could practise and write in peace. However, upon entering the room, they found it was already occupied: Dean Thomas was sitting with the sorting hat on his knee, humming gently to himself.

"Hi guys," he greeted them. I was feeling a bit nervous about singing, so I came up here to relax a little. The common room's so noisy, isn't it?"

"Tell me about it," agreed Hermione.

"What's with the hat?" Queried Harry, puzzled as to why the Sorting Hat was out of Dumbledore's office.

"Ah," replied the hat, before Dean had even opened his mouth to answer, "this young man has to sing for me in your show, and he was feeling a little uneasy about pretending to be me, so I offered to help him while he rehearsed."

"Great idea! You could help me with some lyrics, too. I've always admired your poem at the Sorting each year," she added, a little sycophantically.

"I'd be glad to be of service," replied the tattered old wizard's hat. "And I could always provide information about the founding of the school as well. I was there," the hat said proudly.

The four of them sat with the hat in the Room of Requirement discussing lyrics and melodies until Hermione stood up suddenly, sending a shower of papers floating towards the floor. "Oh no! It's one o' clock already! We're late for rehearsal!" Gathering up reams of paper in her arms, she hurried towards the door, the others following behind her. They rushed down flights of stairs, occasionally losing a sheet of paper or two, until they reached the Great Hall, thoroughly out of breath. Bursting through the large oak doors, Harry called out "We're here!" and the calm voice of Prof. Dumbledore replied, "Good. Then let's begin our first rehearsal, shall we?"

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R&R :) Chapter 6 up soon!


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